Both legs?
Don't kid yourself. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about
These disturbing images were withheld for years by the British government
Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin Earl
I don't want to talk about her but someone always asks about her. So I tell them all she's dead
It appears that some successful Americans have experimented with illegal narcotics, as well
I mean the Captain and Tennille were musical innovators. I mean really...
I never thought missing children could be so sexy
Hydrocarbon!
You can't just walk out and pick an antelope off a tree
Just a few drinks ... til I can't thinks
Ain't got no soul but I got more than Don Henley
As a member of the hip, media-savvy "twentysomething" generation, I can tell you that there's nothing I enjoy more than pop-cultural references. They're so Gen-X!
What is this stupid shit? I didn't order this!
This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas! This week's guest star is Death!!
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
I have no mouth and I must scream
Curse the man who discovered helium. Curse Pierre Jules César Janssen.
Now, I am certainly nobody's fool, which is why I earned the nickname "The Thinker."
This line is from Christopher Marlowe's 'Dr. Faustus' (1354), a rendering of the folk tale of a man who sells his soul for his heart's desires
The month before that, the soldiers threw my grandmother out a window.
Kill if you will, but command me nothing!!
Musical morons!
A trifle upsetting, isn't it?
I shot hoops with Satan; ran him out of town
You ... uh, don't need to applaud that
Fat faces!
Eliminate verbs from your speech
I blame Albert DiSalvo
Saucy tramp!
Everybody's naming they babies 'Shawonda'
Do you want to talk about the ponies?
You shouldn't have, Oh, you didn't.
Sha-Na-Na were the kings of the sixties. Deep in your heart you know it's true - all those kids at Berkeley dressed like Bowser
Missed a game in 1974 because he couldn't blink
Crazy Eddie in the slammer cause he's giving it all away
There may have been others
Some guy from Whole Wheat Magazine or something
If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets"
Polygraphs!
That's my girl, cross-eyed drunk and puking
There may have been others
It's not a terrible smell, actually, but it's definitely there
Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch
Just what exactly is going on here?
They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day
It will never work and Hitler is a jerk and soon we'll all be dead anyway
Illinois governor-elect George Ryan denounced the attack as "the work of cowards."
You may not be so lucky. You may not be so lucky. You may not be so lucky. You may not be so lucky
I blame C. Vernon Mason
Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
Carpet-sellers!
If Tawana Brawley was to get up and turn and say it was a hoax, I'd say she was lying. We know what happened to her.
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Gonna smack her with a lead pipe. Gonna smack her with a 2x4
Not really realizing the prize that's been begot to her - the bona fide lo-fi high-octane philosopher
When I first heard that she was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie Police Academy.
Well, you have asketh and have been turned downeth

Backside melts into the sofa
My world, my TV, and my food
Besides listening to my belly gurgle
Ain't much else to do
Yeah, I sweat a lot
Pants fall down every time I bend over
My feet itch
Yeah, I married a scarecrow

I hate you
Talking to myself
Everybody's starin' at me
I'm only bleedin'

Someone taps me on the shoulder every 5 minutes
Nobody speaks English anymore
Would anybody tell me I was gettin' stupider?

I hate you
Talking to myself
You don't feel it after awhile
You take the beating

I'm a swingin' guy
Throw a belt over the shower curtain rod
And swing
Toss me inside a Hefty
And put me in the ground
A drink needs me
I don't
I ain't about to guzzle no tears
So kiss my ass
Newscasters, coakroaches, and desserts

I hate you
Talkin' to myself
Everibody's starin' at me
I'm only bleedin'

Where are the kids?
Maybe pregnant or on drugs
Or on welfare on top of the world
On the honor roll on parole on the Dodgers
On the back of milk cartons on stakes
In the middle of corn fields
On covers of future history books
On old lady's mantles walkin' on water nailed on crosses
I think it's time I had a talk with my kids
I'll just tell 'em what my daddy told me
You ain't never going to amount to nothin'

Hey! Da dee dada dee da da. This is Rip Taylor.

Hey there sprinkle genies!

Haha!

Did you know that midgets make up a small percentage of the population? Hah! Not half, up to here, HAHA HEY!

Woo

But seriously, don't you think it's time we had a female president? With big gazooms? Tatee tattoo tees? Tatta ta too tatas? Baba bing bangs? Big jugs, get it?

Hello Dolly ….

Is this microphone on? Hello? Anybody out there can they hear me?

Somebody call my agent, my hair is lifting!

Please, what am I doing here?

You're probably saying to yourself "Why the HELL would a comedic virtuoso like Rip Taylor want anything to do with those half-witted white trash crotch goblins The Bloodhound Gang?

Oh! Well listen folks, the answer is very simple.. Haha... American cashito. Dollareenies, No checks! They paid me you heinie hopper, why else?

Oh I'm getting moist!

I mean come on, let's face it kids, pardon me... but they are a bunch of knuckleheads!

You know what, Stuart, I LIKE YOU. You're not like the other people, here, in the trailer park.

Oh, don't get me wrong: they're fine people, they're good Americans. But they're content to sit back, maybe watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57, maybe kick back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer. They're good, fine people, Stuart. But they don't know ... what the queers are doing to the soil!.

You know that Jonny Wurstner kid, the kid that delivers papers In the neighborhood. He's a fine kid. Some of the neighbors say he smokes crack, but I don't believe it.

Anyway, for his tenth birthday, all he wanted was a burrow owl. Kept bugging his old man. "Dad, get me a burrow owl. I'll never ask for anything else as long as I live." So the guy breaks down and buys him a burrow owl.

Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out in my yard, and there's the Wurstner kid, looking up in the tree. I say, "What are you looking for?" He says "I'm looking for my burrow owl."

I said, "Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. Everybody knows the burrow owl lives. In a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?"

Now Stuart, do you think a kid like that is going to know what the queers are doing to the soil?

I first became aware of this about ten years ago, the summer my oldest boy, Bill Jr. died. You know that carnival comes into town every year? Well this year they came through with a ride called The Mixer. The man said, "Keep your head, and arms, inside The Mixer at all times." But Bill Jr, he was a DAAAREDEVIL, just like his old man. He was leaning out saying "Hey everybody, Look at me! Look at me!" Now! He was decapitated! They found his head over by the snow cone concession. A few days after that, I open up the mail. And there's a pamphlet In there. From Pueblo, Colorado, and it's addressed to Bill, Jr. And it's entitled, "Do you know what the queers are doing to our soil?"

Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large U.S. city where there's a big underground homosexual population. Des Moines, Iowa, perfect example. Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart. You can't build on it; you can't grow anything in it. The government says it's due to poor farming. But I know what's really going on, Stuart. I know it's the queers. They're in it with the aliens. They're building landing strips for gay Martians, I swear to God!

You know what, Stuart, I like you. You're not like the other people, here in the trailer park.