2008 Presidential Analysis

2008

A lot of people believe that if you don't vote, you have no right to complain. I think it's just the opposite - anyone who does vote just validates the existence of the choices available in a broken system - namely, two political parties who serve corporate interests first and are about as fundamentally different as two brands of breakfast cereal on the shelf. So, I don't vote, which makes this a theoretical exercise.

We keep choosing the same jackass over and over to live in the White House. I believe if we analyze the components of the 43 or so Presidential mistakes that we've made in the past, perhaps we can learn from them. The following is my endorsement, based on four criteria:

1. Gender: Every President so far has been male. I don't think it's been working, do you? Not a single female in modern times has ever started a war, other than Margaret Thatcher. And having never seen her vagina, I stick her in the "maybe" column.

2. Race: Every President so far has been white. 'Nuff said. So, we could try a black or hispanic President maybe. Lets go with a black President - they've been here longer, and I'd hate to have a Hispanic president try to address illegal immigration. Plus, my wife is Hispanic and my kids are half and half, so I don't want any charges of favoritism.

3. Wild card: Weight. Hitler was thin-to-average. Bush is average. Woodrow Wilson was thin. Bin Laden is very thin. Let's go with a plus-size person.

4. Life Status: Every single atrocity in the history of mankind has been committed by a living person. How about a President who isn't living? I've never read the Constitution but I bet it never specifies that the President has to be alive.

With my criteria complete, I believe that the best choice for this country in 2008 is a heavyset, black woman who is deceased. As such, I am proud to support Shirley Hemphill, and I hope some of you will get involved in my new grassroots campaign.

After all, who's gonna tell this country that their cheeseburger ain't got no cheese on it? McCain? Obama? Please.