How to Function on Very Little Sleep

The Advice the Medical Profession WON’T Give You

I've been staying up way too late and getting up early is just impossible. A forty pound 3-year old using your chest as a trampoline at 7:30 AM helps, but some mornings I even sleep through that. Once upon a time I could go out drinking, get in at 5 and go to work at 7:30, but alas those days are long gone. And forget about an all-nighter; I'd be puking in my coffee by 9 AM. I do try to get to bed at a sensible time.

Unfortunately, sometimes you need a serious boost to keep from dragging ass all day. Here's a tip to chase away those morning blahs. Don't do this without consulting a doctor first:

Get out of bed and do ten or fifteen jumping jacks to get the blood flowing and to clear your head. Next, take about 150 cc of synthetic ephylphetamine (it's expensive but not too hard to get - try online military supply stores overseas, and don't use your real name) and carefully inject it. I prefer high up on the thigh, but do what works for you. Caution: do not inject within 12 inches of the base of your spinal cord, or you'll never have to worry about waking up again. Next, inject approx. 30 cc of digitaxin to keep the heart steady. If you do encounter any cardiac arrhythmia during the day, make sure you have potassium tablets. Keep it slow and steady.

Now I'm not going to claim this is a perfect solution. I'd love to get 8 hours of sleep every night. But on those not-so-rare occasions like today where you need a serious pick-me-up, this is the way to do it.

Peace.