I Am Serious About Drunk Driving

Drunk driving is actually kind of fun, and it's much easier if you think of it more as a video game than as reality. It makes it easier to focus when you're really plastered.

A few tips to safely and smartly drive drunk:

1. Stay Out of the Burbs

If you plan to drive drunk, stay out of the suburbs, where the cops have nothing else to do. DWI checkpoints and idle policemen inhabit the suburbs. City cops have plenty else to do besides worry about some drunk driving across town 10 blocks to go home. Stay in the city, or in the rural backroads.

2. Know Your Car

Find a spot ahead of time to wedge your elbow against the door, just below the window. If a cop starts tailing you, an elbow propped against the door can help you drive straight.

3. Do Not EVER Drive Other Drunks Home

Why? Because people are assholes. And drunk people are bigger assholes. They will jump around in the car, they will yell out the window and harass girls, they will drink while you drive, like it or not. And this attracts the police.

And remember: Breath mints, not gum. Keep your windows defrosted/defogged. Keep your brights off. No cellphone usage. If you smoke, smoke plenty. And remember: there's usually someone much more drunk than you out there. Odds are he'll get nabbed, not you.